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Healthy self-esteem is a
child's armor against the challenges of the world. Kids who feel
good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling
conflicts and resisting negative pressures. They tend to smile
more readily and enjoy life. These kids are realistic and
generally optimistic.
In contrast, for children
who have low self-esteem, challenges can become sources of major
anxiety and frustration. Children who think poorly of themselves
have a hard time finding solutions to problems. If they are
plagued by self-critical thoughts, such as "I'm no good"
or "I can't do anything right," they may become passive,
withdrawn, or depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their
immediate response is "I can't." Read on to discover the
important role you can play in promoting healthy self-esteem in
your child.
What Is Self-Esteem?
In order to equip your child with the tools that will help her
develop healthy self-esteem, it is essential to better understand
what self-esteem is. Brian Mesinger, PhD, a pediatric
psychologist, defines the term this way: "Self- esteem is the
collection of beliefs or feelings that we have about ourselves.
How we define ourselves hugely influences our motivations,
attitudes, and behaviors."
Dr. Mesinger notes that
patterns start very early in life. "At about the age of 3 or
4," he says, "children are exploring many ideas and
reaching conclusions about themselves that begin to
crystallize." But the process starts even before then, during
infancy. When a baby or toddler reaches a milestone, she
experiences a sense of accomplishment that bolsters her developing
self- esteem. Learning to roll over after dozens of unsuccessful
attempts or finally mastering getting the spoon into her mouth
every time she eats are experiences that teach a young child a
"can do" attitude. The concept of success following
persistence starts early.
As a child tries, fails,
tries again, fails again and again, and then finally succeeds, she
is developing ideas about her own capabilities. At the same time,
she is creating thoughts about herself based on her interactions
with other people. This is why parental involvement is key to
helping a child form accurate, healthy self-perceptions.
Self-esteem can also be
defined as the combination of feelings of capability with feelings
of being loved. A child who is happy with her achievements but
does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem.
Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about her own
abilities can also end up feeling poorly about herself. Healthy
self-esteem results when the right balance is attained.
Signs of Unhealthy and
Healthy Self-Esteem
Self-esteem fluctuates as a child grows. It is frequently changed
and fine- tuned, as it is affected by a child's experiences and
new perceptions. It helps for parents to be aware of the signs of
both healthy and unhealthy self- esteem.
A child who has low
self-esteem may not want to try new things. She frequently speaks
negatively about herself, saying such things as, "I'm
stupid," "I'll never learn how to do this," or
"What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." She
exhibits a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or
waiting for somebody else to take over. Children with low
self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable
conditions. A sense of pessimism predominates.
A child who has healthy
self-esteem tends to enjoy interacting with others. She's
comfortable in social settings and enjoys group activities as well
as independent pursuits. She's willing to pursue new interests.
When challenges arise, she is able to work toward finding
solutions. She voices discontent without belittling herself or
others. For example, rather than saying, "I'm an idiot,"
she says, "I don't understand this." She knows her
strengths and weaknesses, and accepts them. A sense of optimism
prevails.
What Parents Can Do to
Help
How can a parent help to foster healthy self-esteem in a child?
Here are some tips that can make a big difference:
- Watch what you say.
Children are very sensitive to parents' words. Remember to
praise your child not only for a job well done, but also for
effort. But be truthful. For example, if your child doesn't
make the soccer team, avoid saying something like, "Well,
next time you'll work harder and make it." Instead, say
something like, "Well, you didn't make the team, but I'm
really proud of the effort you put into it." Reward
effort and completion instead of outcome.
- Be a positive role model.
If you are excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or
unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child
may eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem, and
your child will have a great role model.
- Identify and redirect
your child's inaccurate beliefs. "The pervasive step for
parents to take is to identify kids' irrational beliefs about
themselves," says Dr. Mesinger. "Whether they are
about perfection, attractiveness, ability, or anything else,
these inaccurate perceptions can take root and become reality
to a child." For example, a child who does very well in
school but struggles with math may say, "I can't do math.
I'm a bad student." Not only is this a false
generalization, it's also a belief that will set her up for
failure. Encourage your child to see the situation in its true
light. A helpful response might be: "You are a good
student. You do great in school. Math is just a subject that
you need to spend more time on. We'll work on it
together."
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